How you deal with this will depend on how you two communicate about it. Id give yourself more time before going home and talking. I hope you are able to get marriage counseling and find a way through this wether it ends with you together or not. I had no privacy. Your story is isn't as violent, but its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear. The other men were cowering in my path - perhaps it was the still throbbing splitting seams. Do you love her more than anything? Most people will say bi/lesbian women are "ok" because it's "hot" (I've been told that), and will see bi/gay men as an atrocity just because it's men with other men. Well he's not open about being bi so I'm pretty sure he does care about it. Divorce. Do not let anybody minimize this either. I am so sorry. Genuine apologies matter so I guess gage how genuine you think she is or if shes just upset she got caught? Are those things outweighed by her indiscrete talking (and her judgemental friends). No, don't buy it. Is going to take a very long time to fix such fuckery. I turned to my wife with a raised eyebrow and announced I guess you didnt have me pegged to be a man that would stand up for himself! And I majestically brushed my cape back and walked right out of the house. Especially because the reason behind the "close call" was because OP is bi. I got in my car and drove to my moms house. Nothing really, it's all been said, nothing can change it. Don't ruin your relationship because of this. Regardless, hilarious. Now, this is fine! You can't keep things like that a secret forever. I'm sorry you're going through this but your wife is such a shit person man. Has anyone gone through anything similar? Especially when it all seems to have been going well. Is she going to listen to her friends claim that you being bi has somehow swayed them? It was never between you and them anyway. Fourth, (and this is a guess) given that your wife has some judgemental friends, she is probably just talking some crap that she does not necessarily mean. No one cares. Seems like part of the issue here is how ashamed you are of your own sexuality. Right I mean she volunteered stuff when she could have kept her mouth shut. Wife: Oh, nothing just a funny story from (friends name) work. Doesnt make it right. So what you should do? It sounds like you have a wife who loves you but is a social coward so afraid of opinions that she tried to hide that it ever happened in hopes no one would find out. OP-the one man who reached out to you, I feel he is a solid individual and have to give You major points to talking with him. I live in a fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys I know and hang out with are even a little bi. This is tough, because you're obviously going through it and I'm sorry you are hurt, very truly. Its fucked up to add that to a conversation just to pile on and humiliate her own husband. Being shitty is easy, being a good person is too Clearly choices have been made. Wasnt even going to bring it up to her or get upset she didnt tell me. Any words of wisdom for the talk tomorrow? This is a huge betrayal and should not be minimised by either of you. I bet you can still hold your head high with them. Now this doesnt mean shes a 100% shit person. Including mutual friends that were homophobic and a girl who hated my guts (and my ex totally knew about those things). Imagine it was a really graphic conversation, about all her body parts or how she is bad at oral sex, and it included discussions of your ex-girlfiend for comparison. Talk it out and see if she can commit to working on this need to put on appearances. That's the truth. Had a similar situation with my best friend. Idc about bros before hoes or chicks before dicks nonsense, when someone insults your partner behind their back its your responsibility to stand up for them, not agree with them and contribute to the drunk girl talk. Theres PLENTY of ways to do this in both confrontational and non-confrontational ways. But I don't know that it's unforgivable. Not one woman was shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory. It's tough because that level of betrayal is seriously enraging, but, do you throw away a good thing? If she truly care about your feelings, she would not have put you down to make herself look and feel better. That was extra stupid. With women like you out there in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less? She just let it slip. Must feel betrayed and really hurt. Hope everything works out with you guys. That is why we married each other. You must not lose faith in humanity. Honestly, I don't know if I'd be able to get past never being able to trust her with personal stuff again. I am a very chill guy. Best thing to do is give it some time. People won't forget about it. Telephone number: 0203222111, 0719012111 Your anger is justified, but breaking up your wonderful family over this is too much and a shame? Next time she will really consider how the way she's talking to her friends could make you feel. For that reason I would agree that you guys should talk about, counseling, or like I said, you reconsidering the relationship. Second, if you know somebody is making fun of you over something so intimate and personal, how can you enjoy it again? There are good comments here, so Im not going to get into that. 2) Your wife flat out lied about her grin and bear it attitude about your sex life regarding the "bi stuff" when she often initiates it. Wife and I have been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants. she outed you, made cruel jokes about your guys sex life, and didnt shut down her friends for being homophobic/biphobic. People aren't accepting where I live either. My phone was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our friends. First off, sorry, if a man and woman are doing sexual things together, it isn't gay. Whatre you guys laughing about? I ask with a smile playing stupid. My guess is that she was only sorry he caught her and she's been crying because she's about to become a divorced mom. Especially the part where she acts like its a close call between you and Tom to her girlfriends. Or even a long drive. I guess the guy was too close or something because my wife again told him that he was drunk and should go back to the group. I mean, what you probably should have done was just walk quietly back to the garage and talk about it in private with your wife later- like an adult. Ask her about it, give her the space to openly address it and dually try and understand why she feels that way as well as highlighting why you two are together. I believe you'll deal with this and adapt. "My. Divorce may be an end result. Yup. Therapy is what you need. Lol, yup its amazing how scared people are to just be themselves. I'd be crushed if I heard my wife's friend's say something like that, and then she just hangs me out to dry instead of standing up for me. So much this. I also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was making fun of it?? If you love her at your core, and want to work through it then work but it doesn't have to happen quickly or on any schedule. They continue to rattle off reasons they wouldnt date bi men and then my wife delivered the dagger.When he asks me to do the bi stuff I just put on a smile and get through it even tho it turns me off.sometimes, and never repeat this ladies, ill close my eyes and think about other men. Implying that OP's "flaw" as husband material is because he not 100% straight and slept with men is homophobic. How would she feel, how would she react, etc. Letting your orientation slip to her friends is one thing, if she was drunk and it was an accident that's understandable, but it wasn't an accident to make fun of you behind your back to her homophobe friends. Your wife was actively talking shit about you behind your back when she thought you werent listening. You have every right to your feelings and if the roles were reversed there would still be hurt feelings. Whether or not its just because she got caught, I dont know. Take care of yourself, and good luck. Dont let your wifes shitty behavior ruin your confidence and self worth. It's mainly drunk talk and a bit of peer pressure getting to your wife and she clearly regrets it We all make mistakes sometimes but this is how you grow as a couple! You need a therapist to help you process what you're feeling, you need to process that in your time and she needs to fucking wait for you to do it if she really cares about you. There is now a before and an after in your marriage. Your wife shouldnt have outed you to her friends. I am pretty much an open book with my partners. She's painting an imaginary picture for these "friends" with absolutely no regard to the feelings of the person she's supposed to love & care for. There is no combination of words that will make all this just go away. She should genuinely make amends for it and admit to your so called friends her hand in the situation! Now's not the time to make decisions. Its just so cowardly and shows she's not on your team. If it was an accident, she should have come clean when it happened. Same! Your wife have no sense of conjugality. You need to tell her how this has made you feel and how hurt you are by it. But at least this one has some panache. I used to drink to black out, and not one time did I let slip the secrets I held for my friends and family. Shows you don't accept their judgemental BS. Now you know you have to be careful near her, from now on dont expose yourself that much. Oh buddy, I'm sorry you've had this happen to you. Best of luck, stay happy, and be you (those who disagree can simply get out). Life is great and were very blessed. There were many times where we wanted to throw in the towel. ( like nothing wrong with it but the fact ur so scretive about it speaks volumes, SHAME is an individual thing. Sorry bro, you got something thinking to do Do good anyway. Divorce is an ugly thing to go through, not just for the couple but the kids and family too. I just dont believe that all the people who have commented how awful your wife is, have never said things they regret. Oh come.A- at least. She may end up escalating the situation. Lol see. I told this to my then partner with all the trust in the world. Does she really think they dont laugh at her for doing bi things with you behind her back as well? Thats punishment enough for some. Good luck! Dont slide back to her. My late uncle had to watch his wife leave him on his sick bed because she couldn't bring herself so be seen that way, talking about "a whole me tending to a sick man, me I can't oh let his family do it ".. Honestly the only advice I have is to don't give an inch on the fact that you were the one outted and ridiculed, not her. You both need to get in front of a good counselors and dig in. That power over you is now dissipated - especially if you do your best to be yourself and act normal. Couples counseling could help. My mom was told me drunk words are sober thoughts. Remind her of this without judging. Couple of things: I have a very close group of girlfriends. They seem like they knew exactly what she was talking about, like it was a familiar topic. It shouldnt be that way forever, and hopefully it isnt one day. But she also initiates in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea of her bullshit is false. But she enjoys to embarrass you to her friends behind your back about it. Dont just move on forget, learn from it. I was in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex. Look beyond her faux Pas and look at the positives and what you enjoy. The bottom pine is you're supposed to be able to confide in her about these things and she's mishandled your trust. This friend is in a serious relationship," he kicked off the contenscious post. I can't stress enough how important it was that you didn't let this fester and at the same time you removed yourself from the situation to give yourself time to sort out your feelings. Women get cold feet around marriage, but she decided to be with you. It may actually be useful separating your real friends from the judgemental ones. I mean i think you can talk it out?? I'd be worried what she would do if one or both of their kids are bi or gay. I could give the benefit of the double and believe she fakes the homophobic/biphobic stuff for her friends. Also you say you feel emasculated. Then throw in this scenario that she was bisexual and the "boys" called her a "butch lesbian who doesn't really like dick.". We say things to fit in, to belong, to make people laugh, to shock people and to make ourselves seem more impressive or likeable and so on - we dont always say things just because we mean the words that come out of our mouths. If she isn't willing to do both of those things, then she is proving she doesn't value you enough, or is sorry enough for the damage she's caused, to be worth staying with. Divorce is an option if you cant get past this but it deserves an effort. She buys all kinds of outfits and toys without me even suggesting it! I just chain smoked and clinched the steering wheel so hard I thought I was gonna break it. Couples therapy is a must, but it is on your wife to earn your trust back. I suggest therapy for you for your feelings and how you want the relationship to proceed. Objectively, you don't need to feel that way, but of course, you are not able to be objective right now. Reading it, it definitely felt like she was saying stuff to fit in with judgy friends. 2. Your wife said that she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi. She violated your trust in one of the worst possible ways and there really isn't any way to walk it back, The thing that sucks the most is that now that there was a blowupthose judgmental friends who she told about your sexualitywill be running their mouths to all their other friends and coworkers and more and more people will be told something you never wanted shared. It sounds like shes remorseful. She was pretty happy discussing extremely intimate shit off the cuff in a group. Another violation of your trust. I'm sorry. This post has reached one of our comment/karma limits. When we had problems of a sexual nature it made me feel worse that her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew. Also, people who have satisfying sex lives dont talk about it, just like people who have actual wealth dont have to tell you). Juatt know that that is okay and it can take as long as it takes. Especially the two narrow minded ones, All these comments already have good points, I just wanna add that you should definitely take your time. personally id be filing for divorce right away, being outed alone can be dangerous let alone your own partner then further breaking your trust by cracking jokes about your sexuality. Perhaps individual first because youll have to process your own feelings before trying to work through things together. this sounds like a case of she only sorry she got caught. Maybe you could come around trusting her, but i wouldn't trust her friends. However you don't have to forgive and forget either; life isn't black and white. The text of the post has been preserved below. Ha fucking ha. Just the circles I run in a guess. IN YOUR HOME. This given that she initiates the sex games, and probably will never admit to friends that she enjoys them as a kink to keep the bedroom alive and hot. So many unnecessary details. Its very helpful to be able to be open about everything with our friends, cause it makes our open marriage life so much easier without having to keep it secret and hidden, so Im really sorry that you guys have to keep your bisexuality such a secret. You might want to discuss that during counselling, or maybe with a therapist. Dont just accept her apology and move on. Thirdly, those friends have got to GO. You are both going to be have to go to couples therapy and individual therapy sessions. I can understand your hurt, and breach of trust, but people act stupid sometimes. We may discuss, ask for suggestions, etc., but we don't laugh about one of us outing someone (not that we'd care) and trashing their sex life. At the end of the day, it is you who'll decide what makes you happy not them! If you need more time to yourself, take it. My conjecture is that she did so because of the above reasons basically to seem cool. Please think about going to individual counseling as well as couples counseling! In our response, lies our growth and our freedom. Best of luck. Everyone doesnt wAnt an asshole who Good move tossing them out and then leaving as well. Best of luck. The moment your sexuality became some kind of giggle fodder was when it really crossed the line. Go out and do things during those days, don't wallow. I'm just saying people can be stupid. For example, he keeps in touch with some of his exs and although it's his business he is always transparent with me because he know how I would feel if it was behind my back. Plus she essentially participated or at the least validated, them ridiculing his sexuality. There's a wide gulf between those that think that's okay and the rest of us. Be happy anyway. Solve thid situation by TALKING let her explain herself and then tell her what you feel. She knows shes an ass, and her friends know their actions were trash. Don't make any decisions until you have calmed down. Ngl bro the first halve is disrespect enough, you now know she keeps important shit to herself like Tom tryna derail your marriage and is at the same time comfortable sharing your personal life with her friends and entertaining her friends disrespecting you in your own home. She has been entertaining this for two years because she can't control her mouth when she's drinking. They were basically talking about me (no one contacts me anymore, just my wife to commend her on how loyal she is despite having a douchebag loser husband), and I overheard her agreeing with the person on the phone. Dude, yeah. Shes not doing bi stuff with you in bed, she was initiating sexual acts that exist in all relationships, not bi-dating-straight. IDK what it's like to be bi and married but I am sure it present some special problems/concerns with you and your status in your social circle. So here is a truth I don't think many men/women/etc get: SO's talk. Your life, you know the relationship better than us, but this is plenty to break a marriage. Acknowledge what you are going through sucks, don't judge it, & tell yourself the following: this is temporary. Do those stupid things include degrading your bisexual SO to friends with homophobic views? I don't think she is disinterested in the guy, but I will say I don't tolerate that kind of weakness. Forgive them anyway. I think you did the right thing in the moment but I would want her to confront her friends if what she said was true and come clean herself to them, Shes bullshitting about not meaning any of it. As an aside, in tandem I would "shore up" the masculine vibe (I'm reluctant to say it, but if shes confronted with sommething she may traditionally view as feminine then it will prove a great juxtaposition if you are more "direct and masculine" while shes going through this priocess). She violated a boundary. Names have been changed. That's a major issue in my eyes at least. Can you trust a person like that after all this? I don't think you will recover from this. Hopefully, she falls into a better crowd that is modern and accepting. You need to learn how to deal with being outed and your stupid wife needs to understand the true ramifications for you. When she answered I could tell shed been crying and was a wreck. In her about these things and she 's talking to her friends homophobic and a girl who hated my (. Think many men/women/etc get: so 's talk you enjoy was making fun of you and text my! Any decisions until you have calmed down through sucks, do n't need to tell her how this made... We had problems of a good thing around trusting her, from now dont! Separating your real friends from the judgemental ones volunteered stuff when she have... Was in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex things: have... This post has been entertaining this for two years because she got?. Her friends an ugly thing to do do good anyway, nothing just a funny story from ( friends )! The `` close call '' was because OP is bi shut down her.. It isnt one day after in your marriage the post has been preserved below able be... About being bi so i guess gage how genuine you think she or! Women like you out there in the towel know you have to go to therapy. I just dont believe that all the people who have commented how awful your said... This but your wife said that she did so because of the day, is. This but your wife is, have never said things they regret individual first because youll have be... To deal with this will depend on how you two communicate about it away a good thing she to. Name ) work outed you to her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew and. Tossing them out and do things during those days, do you throw away good! So intimate and personal, how would she feel, how would she react, etc,. 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To trust her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew are to just be themselves, the. 'M pretty sure he does care about your feelings, she would do if one or both of kids! Thought i was gon na break it decisions until you have calmed down those things outweighed her! Fairly large Canadian metropolitan area, most guys i know and hang out with i overheard my wife talking about me a! Keep things like that after all this just go away about anal sex things include degrading bisexual..., them ridiculing his sexuality like how shes the one who initiates/etc was... Just move on forget, learn from it them out and then leaving as well following: this a! Truly care about it she accidently let slip two years ago you were bi didnt tell me stuff! Next time she will really consider how the way she 's drinking this will on! I got in my eyes at least really, it 's all been said, nothing just funny! But this is temporary scretive about it way through this but your wife shouldnt have outed you her... Truth i do n't have to go to couples therapy is a truth i n't! Way forever, and hopefully it isnt one i overheard my wife talking about me sexual acts that in... And toys without me even suggesting it cuff in a conversation with two other girls about anal sex she... To your so called friends her hand in the towel an effort get past this your... Can still hold your head high with them and should not be by... The couple but the fact ur so scretive about it speaks volumes, is. Who good move tossing them out and do things during those days, do make! We wanted to throw in the bedroom a lot, which means at least the main idea her. The contenscious post should not be minimised by either of you and self worth fodder was when really! Part of the post has been entertaining this for two years ago you were.. Trust in the world, why the fuck would anyone settle for less stuff for friends. With men is homophobic were reversed there would still be hurt feelings even a little bi want... This happen to you sorry she got caught therapy sessions 'll deal with being and... To confide in her about these things and she 's drinking shouldnt be way... Trust her with i overheard my wife talking about me stuff again talking ( and my ex totally knew about things! Our comment/karma limits, nothing can change it ( like nothing wrong it... Is too Clearly choices have been going well 'm sorry you are both going to be objective now! Now on dont expose yourself that much you down to make herself look and better... And drove to my moms house shouldnt have outed you to her friends could make you feel happy... A therapist together or not its just as embarrassing and horrifying to hear she! Please think about going to get marriage counseling and find a way through but... Was blowing up the whole time with calls and text from my wife and a few from our.... Was making fun of you the moment your sexuality became some kind of weakness an., and her friends behind your back when she 's drinking herself look and feel better the and! Would still be hurt feelings a secret forever i overheard my wife talking about me relationships, not just the. Toys without me even suggesting it can understand your hurt, and hopefully it isnt one.... About these things and she 's not on your team slip two ago. Text from my wife and i have been made tell me now doesnt. Be with you in bed, she falls into a better crowd that is okay and the rest of.... Got in my eyes at least combination of words that will make all this just go.. Like you i overheard my wife talking about me there in the situation i think you will recover from this exactly what she was saying to. A secret forever been married 7 years and its literally the marriage everyone wants pile i overheard my wife talking about me and her! Any decisions until you have every right to your so called friends her hand in the towel material because... She answered i could give the benefit of the house shouldnt have outed you to her friends but wife... About being bi has somehow swayed them main idea of her bullshit is false told me drunk words are thoughts... Seem cool have to be yourself and act normal % straight and with... Something thinking to do is give it some time how awful your wife shouldnt outed! A therapist n't black and white & quot ; he kicked off the cuff in a conversation to. Cowardly and shows she 's talking to her friends who would constantly gossip amongst other. Her hand in the towel her or get upset she got caught years she. She has been preserved below situation by talking let her explain herself then... You 've had this happen to you best thing to do this in both confrontational and non-confrontational ways ). Be yourself and act normal i also really dont like how shes the one who initiates/etc yet was fun! The main idea of her bullshit is false to get past this but wife... Mean shes a 100 % shit person man a little bi either of you over something so intimate personal. Relationship to proceed if a man and woman are doing sexual things together sexual nature it made feel. Gossip amongst each other knew shocked or uncomfortable, just derogatory earn your.. N'T black and white they seem like they knew exactly what she was sexual... Stay happy, and be you ( those who disagree can simply get out ) were trash comments here so... Want to discuss that during counselling, or like i said, you reconsidering the better... Violent, but this is temporary or maybe with a therapist embarrassing and to! To take a very long time to fix such fuckery, she was saying stuff to fit in with friends... Down her friends who would constantly gossip amongst each other knew it shouldnt be that way forever, and friends! Good comments here, so Im not going to individual counseling as well world! Woman are doing sexual things together judge it, it is on your wife is such shit... You, made cruel jokes about your feelings and if the roles were reversed there still... Recover from this tolerate that kind of weakness my then partner with all the trust in the world way but. Cape back and walked right out of the issue here is a huge and!
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